Jokes page (keep it nice and clean please)

[Abrs]

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?..................Virgin Mobile.

[Abrs]

I was in a cafe yesterday when I suddenly realised that I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better, I finished my coffee, and then noticed that everybody was staring at me.......Then I suddenly remembered; I was listening to my iPod.....

[ussrjeppi]

[acmatman]

what do you mean I have no money ? I have four cheques in my cheque book !

[zoltan]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush....."

[KarlJ]

In honour of that joke I've added some new smilies -

[Lahti35]

So these 3 guys are working on a railroad in the old west, an Irishman, a Chinese guy, and German.

The foreman comes up to the small group and explains the days tasks.

To the German he says: "Your section is in charge of grading the bed and laying the ties."

To the Irishman he says: "Your section is in charge of laying the track."

To the Chinese guy he says: "YOU are in charge of the supplies"

After deligating the days work the forman departs to attend to various issues up and down the construction site, at lunch he returns to check on their progress. He shocked to see that the section crews are laying around and no work has been done. Immediately he calls the section chiefs out and demands an explanation.

First he asks the German why the bed is not graded and the ties not laid. The German responds: " Ve could not get ze zupplies ve needed!"

Furious over this he finds the Irishman and shakes his fist, asking him why the track had not been laid. The Irishman responds: "Saints preserve us, we had no supplies!"

The foreman is outraged at hearing this and screams the Chinese guys name. Just then the Chinese guy jumps out from behind a pile of crates and yells: "SUPPRIES!"

[gaz66chris]

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

[Ditch]

[MrRussian]

What's the difference between a banker and a pigeon? A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.

I knew the banks were in trouble when I turned on to watch Deal Or No Deal and the banker had disappeared. There was just Noel Edmonds, 22 boxes and a recorded message.

Mervyn King today said, "There is light at the end of the tunnel." Unfortunately it is a candle.

www.russianmilitary.co.uk

[KarlJ]

In my experience the light at the end of the tunnel usually turns out to be a freight train coming the other way.

[Abrs]

Elton John is to write a tribute song following Osama Bin Laden's death - Sandals in the bin.

At this very sad time my thoughts go out to Osama's virgin sister, Neva bin Laden.

[tangowhisky]

In my experience there are only 10 kinds of people in this World.

Those who understand binary and those who don't.